My first McSweeney's fling!

Here it is, people: 

Addressing The Followers The Day After My End-Of-The-World Prophecy Failed To Come True

Flush with confidence from my first go 'round with the most prestigious of literary humor websites, inspiration struck one weekday night when I was whittling away the hours in front of my television. I can't recall whether I was lingering on the History Channel or MSNBC, but given my propensity to watch hour after hour of "Lockup," the smart money says it was the latter.

Before I knew it, I was engrossed in a show about a never-heard-of cult in an off-the-beaten-path place. I was treated to a behind the scenes look at the daily happenings, and I couldn't have been more intrigued at this alternate reality lifestyle.

I'm always amazed at the chutzpah of cult leaders. I know it's a prerequisite for the gig, and that no one's going to think you're their savior if you aren't a salesman par excellence, but I'm such a no-obligation guy that even if I did have the opportunity for someone to sign his life over to me, there's no way I could do it. This guy, though, was just basking in what he had going on, and what he had going on didn't look half bad.

Case in point:  the leader talking about his decision awhile back to start bedding some of the female goup members. He didn't even restrict himself to the single ones, but instead, went straight for two married compound hotties. And how did he field the protests of their husbands? By making it yet another test of their faith, of course. Nice.

If you put yourself in one of the husband's shoes, you have to figure that you're pot committed at this  point. What're you going to do--walk into town with just the clothes on your back and start to rebuild your life from diddley squat? Not likely. Probaby easier to let the wife out of the barracks one night and week and tell yourself she's just going for a long walk.

But the real kicker was the fact that the leader had actually slapped a date on the end of the world. And it was coming up quick like. As in, just a few months from the time of taping. Figuring that MSNBC probably had this program in the can for awhile, I surmised that the date this cat had given had probably come and gone.

That was the inspiration for the piece, and I wrote it quickly. I sent it off and waited for the response, which was succinct:

I like this one. We'll use it. Look for it to run in a few weeks.

Now that's what I wanted to hear. And just like my rejection, it came right on the heels of my submission. These McSweeney's guys are good.

Comments

[Justin]

Addressing the followers is hilarious. What an embarrassing situation for any aspiring cult leader.